A New Day

     It is in the early hours of morning that they appear.  The thoughts and pictures seem to come during those jet lag hours when I can't fall back asleep.

  It is such a peaceful, joyful time, that they take me by surprise.  He is laying there with wires and tubes and hoses. swish, swish. in and out.  Eyes swollen shut from the blast, arms flat down by his side. swish, swish, in, out.  He never regained consciousness but I talk to him.  Like everybody else I've heard maybe they hear you.  So I remind him that I love him. That with all his problems, he was a good big brother. "When we were kids, even though you picked on me, you wouldn't let anybody else pick on me. And remember that time just the two of us were sailing with Dad to that new marina in New Jersey? And Scotty, I love you. I'm so glad we talked in September."

So I grab onto that picture. Breakfast at Mimis Cafe. In many ways meeting him for the first time.  This man, this new follower of Jesus. Oh yes, I recognize you. That sense of humor and gentle smirk.  His eyes clear and twinkling, yet hesitant like he's not sure either who this new man is. But yes, I see my brother. "Milk with ice, please." I had hot tea. And as the minutes pass, I get to know him. "I volunteer every morning at CCA. They've done so much for me. (every morning? really???) They are nice people, and my friend, Seth, he's always talking about God. I don't always get it but he's a great guy. You know, in the hospital I prayed, but Matt, I don't always know if I understand. if I got it..." (I smile as I look into eyes I haven't seen this clear in decades, yes, brother, you got it. ) I reassure him that it's ok. And he shares about church. Somebody talks, there is some praying, and we sing songs. I laugh out loud at this and he smiles. "So what do you think of the music, Scott?"(I am remembering years of Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, and more.  And the yelling from parents TURN IT DOWN!)  He smiles again and chuckles (this time I can't shake how much he looks like my daddy. grief upon grief. Joy upon joy) "I'm getting used to it," he answers chuckling, "and sometimes if you lean in real close you can almost hear me.."  Not in my whole life did I ever, ever think I would hear that my brother was singing praises to Jesus in church or anywhere else. Not in a million years.

And so this struggle comes over me in those wakeful, early hours.  O God! Such joy that he is in heaven singing praises loudly at the throne of grace!  Such relief! After the worry, the anger, and the fear, that would grip me since I was 10 years old and could understand his choices were bad.  It is gone! He is with Jesus! My brother, the lonely, insecure, mixed up, directionless, and lost brother is found. Is whole. Is healed. Full of joy. Praise God.

But there is that struggle, too. I only had two hours with this new brother. Wednesday night I met the family that knew this different Scott.  Story after story of this man; dependable, faithful, a hard worker, kind, at times even bold, going the extra mile, talking in front of a group of people about his new life in Christ (not in a million of years, my head says!!) Neighbors and coworkers, caseworkers and friends, all sharing these things.  God, why couldn't I know him that way? Why this ending to the story for me? for my sister?

Shhhh, peace. It's ok, Mattie, he's with me.  And one day you will have eternity to know him. You will sing and laugh together at my feet. It is for my glory. Shhh. Your prayers have been answered. He is mine. and always has been.

Psl.33:11
The plans of the Lord stand firm forever. His purposes to all generations.

My brother's words:

My name is Scott, I was put on Social Security Disability back in 2004 for mental and lower back problems. I was living in my own trailer at the time here in Lewisville with my family. A year or so later lost my family due to drugs and alcohol.  I had to get a roommate to pay my bills there.  During all this time I was getting help from CCA with food and bills. About 2 years ago my roomate had to move out to take care of his father.  I was not able to pay my bills so I put my home up for sale. It did not sell, so I lost it.  I was going to be living in my car until CCA was kind enough to put me in their housing.  While I was living here I was isolating myself, watching TV about SSD, worrying about losing my benefits and all the things that happened to me. On February 28, 2012 I tried to take my life. On one hand I cut 4 or 5 times. The other 8 or 9 times.  The blood kept stopping so after 3 hours I called the ambulance. While in the hospital I was joined by 2 people in prayer. This is part of my story. Now I am trying to walk the path with God by doing some volunteer work with CCA, hoping to find my way in life.
May 2012